The sinkhole of emotion
The attempts at devotion
The lack of reciprocity
What a pity.
I tried with you, lied for you,
cried for you, almost died for you.
Killed for you, willed for you,
kneeled for you, billed with you.
Took myself to the sky and beyond despite the throng of emotions
that told me it was wrong for me to engage with you.
It’s inconceivable I carry on like this.
Walled off from you.
The tears flowed unexpectedly today
but even when they don’t the dreaded emotion remains to drain the life out of me
and it’s visible in every piece of clothing you see, in every facet of me.
I’m so black and dark and deep, so colourless I seep, sleep with this soullessness.
I can’t face it.
I can’t face anything, I can’t make it.
Don’t mistake this for mediocrity or overzealousness
I am only jealous of your composure and the way you can float from shoulder to shoulder
and here I am stiff.
As a board.
It is a myth that I will get through this and it will make me sick and I don’t want to be around you or others
because it’s smothering to hear their voices when I can barely hear my own.
And I’m letting days leak by.
Drown with a frown.
Safe and sound in my room but not in my head.
I remember January and Feb.
March, April, May.
June, July, August, September, October until the November of today.
You remind me of what we could have had and it’s not okay.
Because something grew between us and I made the decision to exterminate what we made.
Maybe if I’d let it live things wouldn’t be the same… in a good way.
Maybe I’d have something to live for, lie for, win for, cry for.
Maybe I’d stop hiding and have something to die for.
That’s the only way I’ll live.